I’m a sociable person and I hope a likeable person but despite this I don’t have many friends.
I have a couple of close friends who live in the same area as me who I see on the odd occasion and I have a few friends who I went to university with but they primarily stayed in the area surrounding the university whereas I now live several hours away because of this I don’t see them on regular basis. My family have lived abroad all my life and my siblings live at home currently so I don’t have a particularly close relationship with them though I suppose I do have a couple of friends in far flung destinations.
I don’t have an active social life I mean I’m lucky if I see a friend once a fortnight and often it’s longer than that. Recently this has been getting to me more and more and I’m not really certain why. I think in part it’s because one of my school friends is getting married and when I looked at the photo’s of her hen party a large percentage of my old school year were there and I miss them- I went to a small girls school and as a year we were reasonably close. Sadly being ill meant that I left the school early and thus lost contact with most of the girls and that is the crux of the problem.
As I said at the start of this entryI’m quite a sociable person but being ill has taken that away from me. In part because up until a year ago my ‘illness’ was considered to be primarily self inflicted so alongside the Depression I suffered from anorexia/bulimia or more precisely ed – nos and self harm. If I’m honest because of this I was generally perceived as being an ‘attention seeker’ in part because my weight never dropped that low and my self harm was kept as a well hidden secret from my peers.
I guess I’m now ashamed to get in touch with old friends after all when you haven’t seen someone in a couple of years you have a catch up where you intend to make a good impression by talking about all the amazing things you have been doing and in turn they impress you with what they’ve been up to. At the moment I don’t have anything to ‘brag’ about and I’d be far to embarrassed to tell them the truth which is as follows – having spent a month in the psych ward earlier this year I don’t currently work and thus claim benefits and I feel like I’m screwing up my life slowly but surely.
I hope things will change soon and I’ll get my self worth back but I doubt I’ll get my friends back and I guess I don’t know how much more of this I can really take.
